I have never felt a pain like this before in my entire life.
I have experienced, physical pain, emotional pain in my life, but this pain, words cannot describe how deep this pain goes into my very core. At times I feel like I cannot breathe as the memories come flooding back, triggered by the most mundane object, like a red hair comb which she used to brush through her permed black hair.
A rush of emotions can hit me with warning, or it can gently creeps up overwhelming me, rage, despair and questions all at the same time. Then...I'm left feeling empty. All because a little over two weeks ago....
....we lost her.
BUT, I have comfort knowing that she is in a better place and passed to glory to be with Him. I long for a time when we can be reunited, and she will run to meet me, (something she was unable to do in her later years,) and cradle me in her arms with that beautiful smile on her face.
This post is for all who have lost someone dear, and I am so thankful for all the love and support our family have received. I also really appreciate those who have reached out to encourage us, who have also lost someone dear. Those people have lost and despite the grief they might still carry, they have continued on.
You have to continue on, even if you have regrets, do whatever helps you to process your feelings. As part of my grieving and the need to keep busy, I allow myself to still cry everyday, do absolutely nothing with family, listening to her favourite songs such as Hallelujah or You Raise Me Up, as well as starting to clean up in the family home. While cleaning I have come across a passage she'd written which I see as very fitting, for this difficult time.
Time may pass
But memories remain
A mother is someone who can take the place of all others but whose place no-one else can take.
A face we love is missing
A voice we knew is still
A place is vacant in our hearts
that no-one else can fill.
We understand death for the first time
when He puts his hand upon one whom we love
Remembering you is easy....
I do it everyday,
It's the loss I feel without you
that never goes away.
I feel I never really appreciated what my parents did for me till I became a parent, but I vow to have no regrets from this day on and aim to have my eyes peeled for little simple wonders, that maybe only I can appreciate.
The day after my mother's celebration, my relatives were over at my Por Por's (maternal grandmother), and they noticed two ripe mandarins that appeared out of nowhere, amongst a whole tree of green mandarins. We believe it is my Mum who is with Goong Goong (maternal grandfather) in heaven, telling us they are ok and are at rest.
Despite the pain, that will most likely linger for a long time, we have peace. I know she will be here with us, forever in our hearts.