Season’s Greetings in 2019
I haven’t been that great in blogging this year. Work exploded (which is a great place to be) and I also struggled in making the time to pen my thoughts. I promise, I have two blogs in progress- one covering Master 4.75 (specifically) and his outstanding ability to sleepwalk / sleep talk this year, and another covering a wee operation that rendered me to be absolutely useless and forced me to do absolutely nothing (which is stupidly hard to do as a mother) towards the later part of this year. But it’s all good, nothing life-threatening and recovering well now.
Mum’s anniversary gave great inspiration to write, and I now understood all those who have lost before, that even though you are stronger, you can always be reduced to tears, triggered by a saying, a memory or a family house. That pain that never really goes away. When you dearly long to see that loving glint in their eye, to embrace them one more time or have one more daily skype chat.
I saw her once. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I blinked in disbelief. Her grin spread from cheek to cheek and she nodded saying it was really her. I could feel her hands in mine as I squeezed them in total awe that I could be having this moment. Then, as quickly as sand falls through your fingers, I could her feel her slipping away, and as I looked at her desperately, I could see her lips tremble, eyes downcast that look that she gave when she tried to be strong and hold the tears back. I started to say, “No Mum, don’t go….” until I was screaming at her, calling her name. And then she was gone. I woke up, tears streaking my face…and the ache in my heart had returned.
And as we took a familiar drive yesterday to see extended family through a route we did annually at Christmas. We recalled moments when I was a child, a similar age to my own son who sat to the left of me, his head secured to his car seat with a scarf. Nifty trick from Julian to stop the head bobble.
Some memories in which we giggled. Us three kids would sit in the back in a time where we created our own mixtapes on cassette and before car seats, and my brother would draw an imaginary line between him and I. He told me if I crossed it, he would punch me. Talk about high stress for a four-year-old. And some memories brought the tears, Christmas anthems we used to play in the car Boney-M, Snoopy’s Christmas and Band Aid 1984's "Do they Know it's Christmas"
And as we all sung, she would pass back her hand while she sat from the front passenger side, waiting for us all to give a squeeze. She would hold it out until we all reluctantly gave her a slap.
So even though we would like to wish you all a joyous Christmas, we know that Christmas time can also be a painful one for some of us. Wherever you are, we hope that you all stay safe and that you can take a moment for yourselves x. Merry Christmas everyone. And hope that 2020 is a blessed year for you all.
2020. WOW. Can’t believe it. He’s going to be FIVE.
With love from the Liew-Youngs.